Friday, February 16, 2007

what could happen?

Okay, skip Fitness Friday, I have stories.

Sit down, get comfortable, this could be a bumpy ride.

Once upon a time, kids, your dad was a complete imbecile.... No really, let's start at the beginning. It was a dark and stormy night, or bright sunny morning with the kids. We started out with the usual Q and A:

"No you can't drive my car"

"Take up baseball, it's more lucrative then being a 'cooker' at Applebees"

"I think you would benefit from an extra year before you sign up with the NFL draft"

The usual. I left the room for a second ( I swear officer it was only a second). Of course when I returned I find my son holding my daughters ankles, dangling her off the back of the couch. Thoughts of another ER visit and talking to CPS danced through my head. And that's only what I wanted to do to him.

"Hi, Daddy!" my daughter exclaimed. My son looks at me and asks

"Come on Dad, what could happen?"

All I could think of was all the times me and my brother attempted to kill ourselves. Which leads me to.......

doodle doodle doo

FLASHBACK: Haight , Ashbury 1969, the summer of love...Ha, caught you not paying attention. I'm only 34. No, Austin TX. My brother was about 17 and I was uh..OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW BETTER. When he was about that age my parents would have me stay at their house to "supervise". They were a simple folk, my parents, a little naive and trusting. Or maybe they didn't really want to know. Anyway, there we were, Beavis and Butthead, with way too much time and an unlimited budget, thanks to my parents ATM card. It was a glorious week filled with way too many near death experiences. (or lots and lots of material as I think of it now) Today, however, was to be our last day. No, nobody died, my parents were just coming home the next day.

So, we decided to go out with a bang. Off to the store. Of course, being Texas, we were going to grill (and drink beer all day, also because we were in Texas). Around five, or so ,I decided to fire up the grill like I had seen my father do so many times before. Let's see, turn knob thingy to High..hissssss... right , and then....

"Hey, Brian, have you ever done a test of manhood shot?"

Thoughts of Vikings on ships,arm wrestling, went through my head. Hey, wait was my little brother testing me? "No, in fact, I've never done a test of manhood shot."

"Well, let's go."

We went back inside, where, on the kitchen table, where you would normally find my mother's casserole or something wholesome, sat a bottle o Bacardi 151 and two glasses. Not shot glasses, rocks glasses. He filled both of them half way and gave me this look like "you go first I dare you."Having never, ever, not beaten my brother in anything I slammed mine.


"God, Brad, that's like getting maced or something"

"How do you know"

"Just never mind, okay"

He then slammed his. Ahhhh.....Giggle giggle giggle. "Want another?"

Oh, the race was on now. Twenty minutes and three quarters of a bottle later, we looked a little dazed and confused.

"No more yanky my wanky, Tonga need food" Giggle giggle giggle.

"One more" SLAM.

Ohhh I think we need something in our system.

"Hey, Brad what the hell were we doin'?"

Oh yeah, grilling something. SLOW MO: Get up from chair, slowly fall to ground

"Ha ha ha ha Giggle giglgle giggle.. "

"Shut up Brad." Stagger outside to grill.

Hissssss... Find little red button, Click, nope, again, click, nope, one more time, Click!

To say that the explosion came as a surprise would be a gross understatement. Think Lethal Weapon 3, less plot, more explosions. Next came that weird silence, the one where even the birds get quiet, only ended by the laughter of two drunken idiots with their eyebrows singed off.
Don't worry, the fire was put out, and eventually we regained our hearing, But the lesson here, Son, is that, yes,

I know what could happen.


Long Island Dad said...

I have the feeling, as a boy, he'd think that's more "cool" than anything... "Hey, Dad can we go outside and try to make the BBQ blow up?" Something along those lines. He's a man... it's what we do... blow things up and torture women... it's genetic!

Working Gal said...

Not sure I had heard this one, although, doesn't surprise me one bit. You do realize that your parents have my blog address, and therefore, likely your blog address, right?

And, just think, Brad is father now too.

Angel said...

Wow.... crazy stuff.

My FIL used to light his charcoal grill and then ADD lighter fluid. Polish brilliance. Ohhh the taste of lighterfluid seasoned burgers give such horrible heartburn.

You two sound dangerous together. It makes me happy I have only ONE son. LOL

DraMa said...

I will never let my sons read your blog.

I will never let my sons read your blog.

I will never let my sons read your blog.

I, however, will read, take notes, learn and devise a good plan to disarm both of them so they do not make the same mistakes you made. Thank you. This blog could save their lives. And mine.

Mike said...

I blew my facial hair off with a gas grill. When mom and dad were at work.

Good times!

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