Today it finally happened. I always knew it would. Sort of inevitable really. I....no wait. Not enough build up. Let's start from the beginning. No skipping ahead now kiddos.
Have you ever had a day where you wake up feeling perfect? You feel like you've alread had the eight cups of coffee you usually need to feel alive. Like those days in your twenties, when after five or six straight days of partying you finally go home to your own house by yourself and just sleep for twelve hours or so. Through whatever magical planetary alignment I was having one of those days. And let me tell you, it did not go to waste. The washing machine was washing. The dishwasher was dishwashering. Breakfast was made. The children were clean and in Oh my gosh! matching clothes.
Yes, I was on top of my game. I even answered the mysteries of life for my son "How can a baby come out of my pee pee dad?" Who can handle his business? I can!
It was a glorious morning. A take on the world and win kind of morning. Who said being a stay at home dad was hard. Ha! I can take on adversity, I can climb mountains (mostly of dirty clothes,but hey..) . I can bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan. It was going almost too perfectly.
11:30 Time to go to the gym. Well not really. I was actually fifteen minutes early. Yeah that's right, EARLY. With two kids I was early for something. Do you believe in miracles? Surely by now my status has been elevated from Dad to Super Mega Ultra Super Dad.
We exited the house and I saw a mother across the street waiting for the school bus. We made eye contact. Yeah lady I know, you are witnessing parenting perfection and cannot contain your petty jealousy. Its the winds of change. A Dad doing what Mom traditionally does...BETTER.
As I stood there basking in my own glory her daughter arrrived. Wait. Why is mom, and now daughter still staring at me. Why are they laughing? Why is mom shielding said daughters eyes? Why do my legs feel colder than usual? Cut to slow-mo. Me looking down, seeing my boxer briefs as if for the first time. Me looking back up, NOOO! Thats it kid look around, see if anyone else has seen your mistake.
I could already hear the phone conversation across the street "Yes officer he's right across the street, and he has two small children with him. I always knew there was something strange about that guy" I could already see my wife's look of shame as she reads the headlines: GILBERT FLASHER CAUGHT AFTER 35 YEARS. But officer, I'm only 34 I swear.
Ahh yes, this is my life and, guess what, I did it by choice.